Lame Jokes

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Lots of Lame Jokes

Subjects > World > Countries?Create > United States

LAME JOKES

1. It was a hot day in Britain during the search for the holy grail. And of course, metal armour gets hot! So Lancelot, fearing he won't survive much longer, begins to seek a way to refresh himself. As he rides, he enters a clearing wher there is a lemonaide stand and thinks "halleleuja I am saved." He gets off his horse, waddles over to the counter and orders the biggest, tallest glass of lemonaide the counterman sells. At this moment King Arthur rides into the same clearing. He too is baking inside his armour and clambers off his horse to place his order. And the counterman says, "Sorry sir, I can't serve you." "What do you mean," Arthur asks in shock? "I am your king man. Serve me the tallest lemonade you offer." "I am sorry Sir, I cannot serve you. As you can see, Sir Lancelot was here before you and this is only a one knight stand." Balfre
2. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted. ~The Oregonian~
3. What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. ~Robert Wise~
4. Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said "I'm afaid not" ~The Oregonian~
5. Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing. ~Josh Tallman~
6. A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup" ~Pulp Fiction~
7. A frog is looking for a loan, so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Whac". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies well I have this vase. He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says "well thats just a cheap knick-knack". Then the owner notices the vase and says to himself "gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money" So he walks over to patty and says "Thats no knick-knake Patty Whac give the frog a loan". ~Wakk0 Warner~
8. 3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday". ~Eric K.~
9. A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the barrtender?" ~Alecia Wolf~
10. How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut... ~Phil Napier~
11. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts! ~Bob Kelly~
12. A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked hisgrandmother,"grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weight"? The grandmother replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"! The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the coversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers license, all the information will be there. The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb, and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a bashfull way wispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex". ~Bob Kelly~
13. why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken.~drtbike~
14. What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.~XYTrapp~
15. Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.~XYTrapp~
16. What do you call a person with lepersy in a bath tub? Stew.~John Stoffer~
17. Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze. One says "How's the memory?" The other says "Perfect, touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. 2 minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what?"~Lardass~
18. Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?~Neil Heiman~
19. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!~d.j.w.~
20. A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"~Paul G.~
21. Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.~Howard Burgess~
22. A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."~Howard Burgess~
23. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."~Howard Burgess~
24. What's brown and sticky? A stick.~Howard Burgess~
25. A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"~Stuart Davidson~
26. How do you catch a unique rabbit? U Neaq up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, you neaq up on it.~Jim Molinari and Sammy~
27. How do you describe the average cannibal? A guy with a wife and ate children.~Corey Jones~
28. What did the cannibal do when he saw an 'All you can eat restaurant'? He had two waiters and a busboy.~Corey Jones~
29. Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.~Corey Jones~
30. What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of Room. ~Corey Jones~
31. Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would of ducked.~Shaun Haapala, Daniel L. Miller, and John Stoffer~
32. What does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.....~Ernest D. Aguayo~
33. Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm.~Taryn Anderson~
34. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef. Whatdaya call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Whatdaya call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway... ~John Braden~
35. A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. Her husband came back with a Fish Called Wanda.~Ken Attebery and Marc Kletke~
36. What's big and brown and walks through walls? Spooky Dooky.~Jay Everett~
37. Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!~Jim Luettgen~
38. Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"~Robert David Cox~
39. One day this guys house was on fire so he decided he better call the fire department. He got on the phone with the chief and the man was very frantic. The man said chief you have to get over her my house is on fire. The chief says calm down, how do we get to your house, and the man said you don't have those big red trucks anymore!~Anthony Makoski~
40. Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?~Tony~
41. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin' Catholic.~unkown~
42. What's the worst part about eating vegetables? Those damn wheelchairs.~unkown~
43. There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.~T. Blase~
44. Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station.~Jen V.~
45. What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.~Jen V.~
46. What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag.~Kathy Nicol~
47. Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.~Matt and Roxy~
48. What is the famous last words in surgery? Ouch!!~Matt and Roxy~
49. There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news?" The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered."~Matt and Roxy~
50. A traveling salesman was driving down a country road when a rabbit ran in front of his car and he hit it. The proverbial farmer was sitting on the fence watching. The salesman gets out of his car and opens the trunk. He then removes an aerosol can and sprays the contents on the dead rabbit. The next thing you know the rabbit gets up and hops about 20 ft down the road, turns and waves to the salesman, goes another 20 ft, and waves to the salesman. The salesman looks at the farmer and says"he'll be okay now." The salesman gets into his car and leaves. The farmer wondering what's going on walks over to the ditch where the salesman threw the can, picks it up and read the label which said FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE.~Chuckles~
51. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.~Jim Spurrier~
52. A pork pie walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we dont serve food in here.~Dave Large~
53. What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His butt.~unkown~
54. Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the other: "Jeez, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!"~John A. Judgate~
55. Whats the smartest thing a man can say? "my wife says"~Guest 7~
56. A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the utter."~Mr.Ed~
57. How do you turn a cat into a dog? You tie up the cat, pour gasoline on it, light a match and watch him go WOOF!!!! How do you turn a dog into a cat? You tie up the dog, getan electric saw to cut him, and watch him go MEOWWWWW!!!!!! ~John Christoper Rey~
58. How do you get Dragon milk? From a cow with short legs.~Allen Smith~
59. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.~Ed Kim~
60. What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet~Timothy J. Tate~
61. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.~Sandra Johnson~
62. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels.~Jon Smith~
63. What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart.~Jon Smith~
64. What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon.~Steve Hagstrom~
65. An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So # how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "D*mn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice box again!"~Wendy~
66. What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly unsaturated.~The Oregonian~
67. How is a divorce in West Virginia like a hurricane in Florida? Either way, you lose the trailer.~The Oregonian~
68. Have you heard about Ron Howard's new movie, a travel documentary about northern Europe? It's called "Mr. Opie's Holland"~The Oregonian~
69. Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store!~Emily Christain~
70. What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.~Yatin~
71. Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff. The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink" ~Sandberg~
72. What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!~Preston & Tony~
73. A couple cannot wait to be married. They are driving home and hit a patch of ice, crash, die and go right to heaven. Appearing before Saint Peter, they tell him, "Saint Peter, we couldn't wait to get married, Could you get us married here in heaven." Saint Peter pauses and says, "I'll see what I can do." Time passes and Saint Peter calls the couple to his office and tells them, "I have some good news, you are going to be married." They are married and are so happy. As time goes on, they go back to see Saint Peter. They tell him, "we want a divorce. This marriage isn't what we thought it would be. We can't stand it." Saint Peter responds,"give me a break, it took me 10 years to find a priest to marry you, it will take me forever to find you a lawyer."~Father Joseph Sica!
74. famous last words of a mafia hit man... "who put the violin in the violin case !"~Dhiraj~
75. Did you hear about the Barbie doll; it's called Divorce Barbie. She comes with all of Ken's stuff.~The Riddler~
76. What do you do if you see a person having an epilepsy attack in a bathtub? Throw your laundry in quick!~unknown~
77. How do you kill a blue elephant? Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Choke it until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.~Got this one from a ton of people~
78. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.~Craig White~
79. How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.~Craig White~
80. How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid.~FSUFAN~
81. What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.~FSUFAN~
82. How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?~FitzEbaby?Create~
83. What do you call a man with a pint of beer on his head? Beartrix~Lousie-Kate~
84. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on your doorstep? Matt~Lousie-Kate~
85. Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?~RugRat?Create~
86. What do you get when you squeeze an olive? Oliver Twist!~Anita~
87. Didya hear about the procter and Gamble worker who fell in the vat of potion? He softened to death~krlc~
88. Why doesn't Smoky the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel!~Katherine~
89. Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms!~Candy Leeb~
90. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!~Alice~
91. Why can't skeletons play music in church? They have no organs!~Alice~
92. How do you greet a 2-headed monster? Hello, Hello~Spencer~
93. What do you do when you are inside an elephant? Run around and run around til you're all pooped out.~unknown~
94. I once had a diamond but I took it for granite.~David~
95. what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob~David~
96. what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art~david
97. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"~Mark~
98. What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated~The Oregonian~
99. How is a divorce in West Virginia like a hurricane in Florida? Either way, you lose a trailer~The Oregonian~
100. Have you heard of about Ron Howard's new movie, a travel documentary about northern Europe? It's called "Mr. Opie's Holland."~The Oregonian~
101. How do you make pizza? Stick a leper next to a fan.~Giles~
102. What's the ultimate doom for a leper? An epileptic fit.~Giles~
103. Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.~Bob M.~
104. What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk 'em and then pitch to the rhino.~Jafo~
105. This guy has been working at the local grocery store for over two years. When the promotion list goes up and he sees that the new stock-boy got the cashiers job over him, he becomes irate. That night, after ten or so beers he and his co-worker Arty start talking about the bad decision Mr. Boss made. The conversation turns to murder. In his drunken state, Arty agrees to kill the new cashier and Mr. Boss for the contents of his saddened friends pockets. The next day the local papers headline read, "Arty chokes two for a dollar at MegaFoods ".~Jafo~
106. A young man comes into the doctors and says, "Doc, is it hereditary to lose your memory?" "No," the doctor replies, "Why?" "Well," the man says, "both of my parents are. For example, one day my mother wanted some Ice Cream, so she went out to get some. But my father stopped her, telling her that he would get some. 'Alright,' she said, 'I'll write it down'. 'no', he says, 'just tell me, I won't forget'. 'Okay', she says, 'I want some vanilla ice cream in a cone'. 'Okay', he says. He leaves, comes back half an hour later, gives his wife a bag. "What!" she screams. "This is a cheeseburger, you idiot! I wanted a hamburger!" ~Shane Conway~
107. What did the grapes say when the monks stepped on them? Nothing - they just let out a little whine.~Wonko the Sane~
108. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.~Jonathon Waunch~
109. Once apon a time, there lived in a magical land a snake, named Nate. In this land, actually rather close to Nate's house there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever. The lever was ancient, and the mythology around the lever was that if you were to push it, it wouldtrigger the end of the world. One day, Nate was slithering down the road, and he came upon the lever, and began crossing the road so he could look at it. At the same moment, a truck came careening around a corner, and the driver found himself in a dilema: either hit the snake or end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over nate and went on his merry way. The moral of the story is: Better Nate than Lever...~Sean Ruppert~
110. When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.~Mirjana Calnan~
111. Why Did The skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop!~unknown~
112. Did you hear about the hyena that swallowed the Oxo cube (beef stock cube)? Made a laughing stock of himself!~Henry Dermot~
113. This man has this dog that has no legs. One day someone asked him "Whats wrong with your dog?" And the man said... "What are you blind or something? He has no legs." Oh well what is it's name? Well I call it cigarette. Why in the world do you call it cigarette? Well because sometimes I like to take it out for a drag~Nathan Chambers~
114. How did Hitler tie his shoes? In littel nazi's~William Noah~ 116.What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track?Three pieces of alligator.~Chuck Chatlynne~
115. A man left his beef ranch to his three sons and they named it "Focus" because that's there the sun's rays meet (sons raise meat).~Chuck Chatlynne~
116. Two blondes were walking in the woods. One said, "Oh look! deer tracks! The other one argued, "No silly! Those are wolf tracks!" They fought over it. Two hours later they were both killed by a train.~Brittany Sale~
117. What did the clown say when he cracked an egg on his head? Yuk, yuk, the yolk's on me.~Connie Settle~
118. What does a one leggeged ballerina wear. A one one~Kevin C. McCabe?Create
119. What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.~unknown~
120. What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.~Eric Prestel~
121. How did the teenager know that he had bad acne? His dog called him spot.~Eric Prestel & Will & Carlos~
122. What's the biggest advanage of being a cannibal abortionst? You do not have to go out for lunch.~Eric & gang~
123. A snail is returning home late at night and has to cut though a dark ally. As he is passing though, he is mugged by two slugs. Later on at the police station, the officer asks him,"Can you give me a desciption of the assailents?" The snail ponders this for a moment, and then replies," Gee, I'm not sure... it all happpened so fast."~Tony Jenkin~
124. What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt and Rod (curtain rod)~unknown~
125. What does a lawyer use for Birth Control? His personality~Billy
126. Why are fish shops always crowded? Because the fish fillet!!!~Dermot Henry~
127. What's long, yellow, and has been out in the sun too long? A bananna peel.~Multiple Personality Girl~
128. A hillbilly walks into a feed store and stares at the fan. "Wowee," he says, "thet's the fastest dern squirrel I've ever seen!"~Multiple Personality Girl
129. Where do zombies go for relaxation? A dead ranch.~Multiple Personality Girl~
130. What goes 99-thump, 99-thump? A centipede with a wooden leg.~Multiple Personality Girl~
131. A man is sitting on a park bench, making the STRANGEST noises."Are you all right?" asks a concerned stranger. The man nods and keeps making the noises. The stranger then asked "Then why are you screaming like that?" The man replies "It keeps the elephants away." The stranger mentioned that there weren't any elephants for miles. The man smiled "See, it works!"~Multiple Personality Girl~
132. Have you ever seen an elf fly? It's at the top of elf pants.~Multiple Personality Girl~
133. If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? BEAUTY is in the eye of the bee - holder.~Meredith and John~
134. What bird can lift the most weight? The Crane.~Meredith and John~
135. What did the cannibal say when he first saw a skating rink? What do you know... People on the rocks!~Eric Prestel & Law Keeper~
136. A chicken and a pig were knocking back a few beers at the tavern one night when the chicken said, "Hey, let's go into business together. We could open a ham-and-egg restaurant." "Not so fast," the pig replied. "For you it's just a day''s work. For me, it's a life-and-death proposition.~Eric Prestel & Law Keeper~
137. Did you here about the nearsighted whale that followed the submarine? Every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.~Eric Prestel & Law Keeper~
138. A blonde is driving down the road and sees another blonde out in a corn field sitting in a row boat just rowing away. She gets very upset and gets out of the car to tell her off . Its blondes like you that give all us blondes a bad name and if I could swim I'd come out there and Kick Your ass!~Toonz~
139. Two statues, male and female, have been guarding the door of an old church for centuries keeping out evil spirits and such, so one day God decides to reward them. He comes down and says, "Ok, since you have been so good, I am going to give you a day off from guarding the church, spend it however you wish." A few minutes later, God sees the statues dissapear behind a bush. The bush commences rattiling and shaking like no ones business. Twelve hours later, they emerge. "Hey," God says "You've still got twelve hours left, go have fun!" So the female statue turns to the male statue and says, "Ok, this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."~Jordan Jacobsen~
140. A salesman comes up to a farmer in his barnyard. Next to the farmer is a pig with three legs. As the pig hobbles around, the salesman says to the farmer, "That's terrible! Why don't you put that pig out of his misery?" The farmer drew a deep breath and said, "Let me tell you about that pig. One night, my house caught fire and that pig ran through the house, woke everybody up and got us out safely." "That's no reason to let him suffer!", said the salesman. "That's true", said the farmer. "But there's more. One day, my tractor flipped over. That pig ran back to the house and got help for me. He saved my life." "I'm sure he's very talented", said the salesman, "But look at him. He can hardly walk. Why don't you just take him to a vet and have him put to sleep?" The farmer looked at the salesman and shook his head. "Listen buddy, if you had a pig that was that good, would you eat him all at once?"~Ruffy~
141. Why did the leppers have to quit playing hockey? Because there was a face off in the corner.~Paul Tetzloff~
142. Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent.~Andrew Margerison~
143. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.~James Turner~
144. What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.~James Turner~
145. Two biscuits walking down the street. One gets crushed by a passing car. The other one says "crumbs".~James Turner~
146. A guy walks into a bar, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs his pint, puts the pork pie on his head and smashes it with his hand, then walks out, leaving the barman a little confused. The next day he comes back in, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs the pint, puts the pork pie on his head, smashes it with his hand and walks out, leaving the barman even more confused. The next day he comes in again and orders a pint and a pork pie but the barman, trying to figure him out, says "sorry, no pork pies" so the guy orders a packet of cheese and onion crisps instead, downs the pint, puts the packet of cheese and onion crisps on his head smashes them with his hand and is about to leave when the barman stops him and asks "why did you just smash that packet of cheese and onion crisps on your head?" and the guy replies "because you didn't have any pork pies."~James Turner~
147. Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him. "Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money, and this room won't do at all! It's too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there's not even a bed!" The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't your room, It's the elevator!"~MPG~
148. Why can't they have baseball stadiums in Poland? Everyone would be sitting behind a pole!~Peter G. Harwood~
149. What time does a proctologist get up in the morning? At the crack of dawn.~Bill~
150. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum that it COULD be done!~Lori Carson~
151. What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull? A dog that bights off your leg, then runs for help.~Jim Mckenzie~

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