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January 17, 2005 Weekly World News America's Extreme Magazine:
- Cover
  - Bible Shocker: Adam & Ed - First humans were a gay couple. [Funny Bible Related Headlines]
  - Ice Skating Queens In Slugfest
  - Bigfoot Caught In College Panty Raid
- Girls Gone Mild
- Extreme New Fad: Head Piercing
- Are James Carville and Bat Boy Kin?
- Man Cuts Off Nose To Spite Face = Page 2 - Now he uses a nail to hold up his glasses.
  - The expression, "large nose, big hose" was started by old-time comedian Jimmy Durante, who knew it wasn't true.
- The only drug endorsed by the Association for Better Marriages - Vi-Bag-Ra - Miracle patch stops women from being nags. = Page 4
- Letters to the editor
  - Cop was justified ni two-headed bigfoot shooting
  - "Being Naked made it so much easier to meet men" - Philomena Bushfeld, for story "Women Who Wear Less Live Longer" (December 20, 2004)
  - Letter about genius hillbillies in the ozarks (Dec. 22, 2004)
- Girl Next Door - Page 5 - Prisoner of Love, Jamie Frontz 34D-24-34, from Las Vegas
- Cheney Fires Bush - After watching Donald Trump on TV's The Apprentice = Page 6
  - President George W. Bush was all packed and waiting for a taxi to whisk him away from the White House after Vice President Dick Cheney fired him, a top aide reveals.... Photo with caption "A SAD Bush waits for a taxi on the White House Steps"
- Are JAmes Carville & Bat Boy Kin - Blood test will prove it.
  - "While James CArbille's right-wing Crossfire counterpart Tucker Carlson sports bow ties to avieve a more conservative look, surveys show that men who favor bow ties are MORE likely to have experimented with LSD than those who wear regular cravats."
- The Continuing Adventures of Bat Boy, by Peter Bagge '04
- Tribe Worships Kirstie Alley's Butt!
  - Patooties worship Kirtstie's heavenly hams
  - Caption next to old picture Kirstie in bathing suit: American TV viewers used to worship Kirstie Alley when she looked like this.
- Hometown Cutie, Sakura from Houston Texas, sent by boyfriend Norm Pegram = Page 11
- New Sports Outrage - Skating Queens in Ice Show Slugfest
  - Officials have banned Marcia Mallon and Belgiums Catherine Mevre from competition
- Rabbi drives 50 miles on empty gas tank & declares new Jewish holiday, called HONDA-kah
  - Rival rabbi's suspect broken gas gauge
- BLind Dogs Get Guide Guys
  - Man's best friend is a friend in need
- Listen to Howard Stern and Live Longer
- My America, by Ed Anger
  - Wants Fox News to fire the traitor Zell Miller
- Babe Ruth Speaks, through famed psychic Dr. Carleton Misteri-O
- Bigfoot sighted in college dorm panty raid - Horny hairball goes on rampage
  - ''Make Bigfoots outnumber females five to one and the creatures mate for life. That leaves four out of five male Bigfoots to find sexual release through "pornography stolen from human campters," red-faced researchers say.
- Bin laden wants to join ZZ top
- Police Beat
  - Suspected mugger caught after calling his cell phone
  - Elderly drivers
  - Boy Bungles Burglar
  - Streaking Ceremony
- TV News to be done in hip-hop
- The Super-Flirt - Guys pay hottie to flirt with him - to make thier gals jealous!
- Dear Dottie = Page 22
  - Creepy cop peeped me with a mirror in his ticket book
  - Confidentials
  - I see nothing wrong with filthy cat hair
  - Don't tell people I'm cheating on my wife
- Gutsy gal drills & fills her own teeth, without painkillers
- New Bathroom Scale Lies
- Lousy Translation ... or biggest lie of all tie? Adam & Ed, Gay Couple Were First Humans
  - Caption of picture: Furious: God drove Adam, Ed and Eve from the Garden of Eden with a barrage of terrifying lightning bolts.
- The big barf - puke piles prove dinosaurs were bulimic
- Telemarketers are selling ammo to your kids
  - Warning from a federal watch dog agency - They call and ask the child if they got good grades, and then ask if they would like to play soldier, after which the kid is given instructions of how to get their mom's credit card from her purse. Six to eight weeks later the child receives their new toys. Talk you your kids, advises Fazoole, tell them throwing a grenade at the teacher is not 'cool.'
- Surfer goes from New York to London
- Man gulps bottle of sex pills and turns stiff as a board - Exwife uses him for a coat rack and spins him like a top.
  - Lots of guys get "full-body erections" after eating herbal love pills - not! Doctors say that the condition is extremely rare, happening to fewer than 200,000 men a year.
- Cattle Mutilates Space Alien
- President Offers John Kerry Job as White House Bathroom Attendant
- If critters ruled the world
  - Monkey fire fighter
  - Iguana politician
  - Apes and manual laborers
  - Lion rock star
  - cowsmonaut
  - lion cub cadet
  - monitor lizard as social worker "thick skin has always been a prerequisite"
  - cat as fisherman
  - Kangaroo selling beer in sports stadium
  - Baboon officer worker wondering why he left the forest to sit in a cubicle and stare at a laptop
  - pig waitress
  - pig janitor
  - gorilla gunner
  - librarian ferret
  - Flora and Fauna selling nurses uniforms
  - lion doing laboratory research "We're proud to say this laboratory does not test on humans"
  - lamb spinning wool
- A diet for fatties - Eat all the sweets & treats you want on the North Beach Diet
  - Designed to be the opposite of the South Beach Diet
- Leper groo falls to pieces - This guy literally fell apart on the way to the altar
- Dogs attach man's keys to his hands
- Nearsighted zookeeper cages midgets
  - He thought that the midgets were penguins
- Beer Goggles - contact lens with Guiness Pints instead of pupils
- 10 Ways To Tell If Your Guy Is A Dork = Page 47
- Smooching Gals Take Over Hollywood
  - Girl-girl action becoming the norm in tinseltown
  - Selection of 12 recent pictures of girls kissing girls
- Score with chicks by using reverse psychology
  - Types of hard to get gals
    - Stuck-up snob
    - Ulta-religious virgin
    - Platonic pal
    - Broad who only dates famous jocks
    - sister of your current girlfriend
    - chick who thinks you're ugly
    - hardcore lesbian about to marry partner
- The Sabak sisters - America's sexiest psychics
  - Sultry Sonya and Sizzling Serena
  - Will I ever, ever win anything
  - Am I gal trapped in a man's body
  - Serena Sabak's Magic Tarot Cards
- Like Buttah - This art has good taste
  - Creating life size replica of Miss Hawaiian Tropic Talia Sloboda
- Guess the fake story - win $200 instantly
  - Guest makes meal of host - man in New Zealand killed by pet tiger
  - It's so big - 66 pound tumor
  - Girlie man - buy raised as a girl by chinese couple for 13 years
  - Don't sit there - teenager killing best friend because he wouldn't get out of the dog's favorite chair
  - Hairy Situation - Argentinean hair salon new employment ad says "no straight guys need apply"
- Tony & Cleos Love Links
- There goes the neighborhood
  - Backyard wrestling banned in many countries.
- Trivia
  - "Your fired" comes from old custom of burning down the houses of unwanted people
  - Cows produce 200,000 glasses of milk in their lifetime
  - 142.18 licks required to reach the center of Tootsie Pop
  - Squids commit suicide by eating their own tentacles
  - Chewing gum stops tears while cutting onions
  - Every person in the world could have 8.5 acres if the whole world was divided equally.
  - Mozart's burial place is unknown
  - Esther is the only book of the Bible that doesn't mention God
  - Hamlet = Village with no church, a town becomes a city once it gets a Cathedral
  - West Virginia has no natural lakes
- Head Piercing - The trick is not to take too much grey matter
- Minister starts 'Church of George W. Bush', it has a huge W on the outside
- Your tarot fortune from the card picked on page 54
- Bedside manner
- Their Jobs Suck - South Korean sex workers protest government's new anti-prostitution rules against traffickers, pimps, and clients.
- Weekly star guide
- Girls Gone Mild - Christian businessman sell videotapes of Bible college coeds acting well-behaved.
- Couch potatoes go for the gold
  - 2012 Olympics to have TV watching as an olympic sport
- Proverb's meaning ruined by error "Chaste makes waste"
- Bleeding Statue of Mother Teresa has PMS, After the blood stops, she gets grumpy
- Size does matter - at least when it comes to cranes
- Genius kid only reads girly mags
  - 12 year old genious with IQ of 190, spends his time studying girly magazines.
- Hubby pokes out his own eardrums over frustration with wife's nagging

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